The Journey of a Muslimah



And all the roads we have to walk are winding…

And all the lights that lead you there are blinding…

-“Wonderwall” by Oasis

These past few days, I’ve been feeling very vulnerable, so listening to Wonderwall by Oasis, may not help much with my feelings, but well, sometimes we do need to listen to a mellow tune once in a while, and despite its mellowness, there is a sense of positivity in the song, at least, to my own perspectives.

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

-“Wonderwall” by Oasis

Of course, being Muslims, the vulnerable feeling should not last, as it is a way for Shaitan to whisper even more negativity into us. Instead, we should feel positive, that at any given moment in time, when we are weak, it is time for us to return to Allah, after all, the Messenger said, in the following hadith, narrated by Muslim:

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive to do that which will benefit you and seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say ‘If only I had done (such and such), the such and such would have happened,’ rather say: ‘Allah has decreed and what He wills He does,’ for ‘if only’ opens the door to the work of the shaytaan.” Narrated by Muslim (2664).

The reason why we need to return to Allah, is because, going back to Allah means that we are reminding ourselves that, Allah can literally do anything.

If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely. (3:160)

This reminder is for me first and foremost, as I am suffering from depression at the moment.


I guess the reason why I was listening to “Wonderwall” is because I was thinking of the person who will become my “wonderwall” one day. I am not sure who he is yet, Allah is keeping his identity a secret from me still.

I will just have to make an effort to improve myself both in the religious sense, as well as in the personal sense, and at the same time, search for him through reputable and islamic means.



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The idea about this post came about when I missed listening to Malay songs. One song led to another, and another, and another. Until I came about Melly Goeslaw’s song (a note to non-South East Asian: Melly Goeslaw is an Indonesian singer/songwriter), ‘Haramkah’ (‘Is it wrong?’).

Haram haramkah aku, bila hatiku jatuh cinta (Is it wrong? For me to fall in love?)

Tuhan pengangi hatiku, biar aku tak jadi melanggar (God, please hold my heart, lest I go astray)

Aku cinta pada dirinya, cinta pada pandang pertama (I fell in love with him, I fell in love at first sight)

Sifat manusia ada padaku, aku bukan tuhan (I possess human characters, I am not god)

Haram haramkah aku, bila aku terus menantinya (Is it wrong? For me to wait for him?)

Biar waktu berakhir, bumi dan langit berantakan (Though it is the end of time, when the world comes to an end)

Aku tetap ingin dirinya, tak mungkin hatiku berdusta (I still wish to be with him, it is impossible fomy heart to lie)

Hanya tuhan yang bisa jadikan, yang tak mungkin menjadi mungkin (Only God can make the impossible, possible)

Aku hanya ingin cinta yang halal (I wish for love that is permitted)

Dimata dunia juga akhirat (In the eyes of this world and the Hereafter)

biar aku sepi aku hampa aku basi (It is fine for me to be lonely)

Tuhan sayang aku (God loves me)

Aku hanya ingin cinta yang halal (I wish for love that is permitted)

dengan dia tentu atas izinNya (with him only by His permissibility)

Ketika cinta bertasbih (when love glorifies God)

Tuhan beri aku cinta (God, give me love)

Ku menanti cinta (I am waiting for love)

That song made me burst into tears. Its lyrics remind me of feelings perhaps long buried but resurfaced after listening to it. Such feelings resonate, when listening to this song. It captured my feelings perfectly with regards to being a relationship that is not permissible in the eyes of Allah.

Falling in love is not a crime. Love, according to Islam, is pure. It is how love is manifested, that can either make it pure and permissible by Allah, or stain it with dirt and thus make it not permissible by Allah.

My younger sister mentioned to me once, how she is no longer in a relationship with a boy for the sake of Allah. She said, ‘kak, now I know how you feel, when you had to let him go, it’s painful, kak, why is it so painful, kak?’. I hugged her, I do not know how to answer her, but I replied, ‘we’ll get through it, you’ll get through it, because you just let someone go for the sake of Him’.

Of course, then, she made a joke, ‘now I know why you need to renew your hijra intentions many times!’ I laughed, and I cried, and I hit her, after all, when I decided to hijra, prior to my hijra, he was coming back, and sometimes I wondered if my decision to make the hijra is because I did not wish to meet him at all, and hence I ‘ran away’ to another continent together. Hence why I had to renew my hijra intention a couple of times. Heh.

Anyway, back to the topic of relationships prior to marriage that is not permissible in Islam. Let him go, dear sister. Allah will love you more for it. If he is for you, Allah will make it easy for you to be together with him, the halal way, trust in Him.



Your sister in deen



Yesterday, my housemate invited me to join her small gathering in the house. As she is a nice girl, I accepted her invitation.

She had a few friends over, and we had a chat. As usual, (this happens to me often if I speak to strangers), questions rose about this thing that I wear around my head, and my religion.

One of the girls said to me, “I am a scientist, I do not want to learn religion, I do not want to know about Islam, can I do that?”

The teacher in me very nearly snapped. Why do some people choose to be ignorant?

As I am all for political correctness, I answered, “well, it is your choice. You don’t have to study religion if you don’t want to,”

I do not want to make stereotypical judgements, prior to becoming an educator, I was a scientist, but I shudder to think if there’s a bunch of next generation like this girl, who refuses to want to know more about something, and yet claim she’s a scientist.

After all, to gain understanding of different cultures, tradition and religion, you gotta learn it. After you learn it, then you understand it. If it is not acceptable for you, at least accept that people have a choice and people make decisions that you don’t have to agree with.

This stemmed from a conversation (with the same girl) about polygamy, on the fact that there are women out there who tolerates the fact that their husbands have a second / third / fourth wife.

“I can’t accept it,” she said. “How could someone accept this?” Again, maybe it is not your cup of tea, but many people have different perspectives. You don’t have to accept it. They do not need your acceptance.

At the end of the day, it’s all about education, about opening minds, about accepting that people are different, and what’s acceptable for one culture may not be acceptable for the next.

Then, if one still find it hard to accept someone else’s opinion, the next best thing is to agree to disagree. Finish.

Surah Al-Kafiroon, Verse 6:
لَكُمْ دِينُكُمْ وَلِيَ دِينِ

You shall have your religion and I shall have my religion.


via iQuran

Agree to disagree. End of story.


It’s just one of those days when I noticed how Islamic the Western countries can be sometimes.

I remembered walking up to a local bank here in the West, and I was given explicit explanation about bank charges/tariff (they even gave me a hard copy of it, but assured me that if I lose it, I can always check it online), about how I won’t be charged or receive interest if I choose to use a Sharia compliant bank account, and even the way the online banking system works, everything was laid out explicitly.

The same cannot be said to be true to the so-called “sharia-compliant” banking in the East, at least where I used to live (I’m not generalizing this), when I opened my bank account back then, there’s no explicit explanation on anything, not even if I wish to open an online account (which, by the way, need me to be at the bank physically, unlike here in the West where I can do it online as what an online account should be), and there are no explanation on charges/tariff that the bank might impose upon me. The justification for the “sharia-compliant” in quotation is because these “sharia-compliant” banks in the East does not make a profit out of interest (usury), but through administrative charges, which is not explained in detail. At the end of the day, these “sharia-compliant” banks in the East do need to make money, so it is understandable that they will charge administrative fees, but it would be very very helpful (and Islamic) if they explain explicitly as what a bank in the West did.

How do one find out the tariff that their Eastern banks charge? By Google and there’s a pdf document which the bank provides. Did the banks tell this when one opens an account? At least it did not happen to me.

One might say that the banks in the West make money off the usury that they get from the non-Sharia compliant accounts, yes, one is right on that note, but the point that I want to make is the way these Western banks make their bank charges and tariffs so explicit and so transparent, something that is missing in certain banks in the East (at least where I used to live, no generalization here).

There are so many good things to learn from the West and being explicit and transparent is one of them.




It has been so long since I wrote in this blog that I was hoping that I have not forgotten my password yet. Alhamdulillah, life has been good. Allah really is the best planner. The city that I am in right now, resembles my hometown so much, not in its architecture nor weather, but more in its friendly people, its pace of life, and the occasional traffic jam at the city centre.

The other day, I went for a weekend getaway to another city about three hours away by train, just to catch up with a few friends. Since this is a girls’ weekend getaway, of course, we tended to talk about marriage, and I heard recently that a sister’s marriage fell apart, and this was a sister whose wedding I attended back in 2010.

I was a bit taken aback when I heard that news. I am pretty sure that she wouldn’t want to end her marriage in a divorce, but that’s just how it is, so I am pretty sure that the sister and her husband has considered all odds before deciding to end their marriage.

Nobody wants their marriage to break down. Nobody. To hear that story was depressing. It really is.

I am at the age when I am supposed to be contemplating marriage, but funnily enough, I am not that worried about it because I know He knows best. He will send someone over to daddy to ask for my hand in marriage when He knows I am ready. 🙂




One of the challenges that I face when I am here, in this strange land where none of my close friends from back home are around (physically at least), and none of my family are around as well, is that I can be someone that I may not be if I am home.

I’ve been reading this hadith just now, and I thought I’d like to share my thoughts, i.e. my reflections over it. I am not a hadith scholar, so I cannot give my interpretation of it as a scholar.

Hadith 27: Righteousness

An-Nawwas ibn Sam’an reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

الْبِرُّ حُسْنُ الْخُلُقِ وَالإِثْمُ مَا حَاكَ فِي صَدْرِكَ وَكَرِهْتَ أَنْ يَطَّلِعَ عَلَيْهِ النَّاسُ

Righteousness is good character and sin is what waivers in your heart and you hate for people to find out about it.

Source: Sahih Muslim 2553, Grade: Sahih

– See more at:


Obviously, something important has happened during these past few days. Something so important, but at the same time, I cannot tell people. I mean, I can tell people, but I can only tell people who is here, who is experiencing what I am experiencing.

So, do I hate it up to a point I do not want to tell people? No. I did tell a few people. However, I did not tell everybody. There are just a few things that you just can’t share with everyone.

May Allah forgive me, and made me stronger in dealing with this. This is really not easy, but I am pretty sure He will find a way out for me, inshaAllah.Please make dua for me.





I had two very interesting conversation today, not in my class (that was interesting too, but the other one is more interesting).

Okay, let me share the first one. Well, I was running late for an event, so I can’t be bothered to wait for the bus (who did NOT stop when I flagged him down), and decided to just take a cab.

My cab driver and I talked about politics, democracy, freedom of speech, religion, human rights, ISIS, well, basically a lot of things in a span of less than an hour.

It was a good discussion, and I really enjoyed it.

The other interesting conversation that I had was with the person sitting next to me for dinner.

She asked me why I wear the headscarf, saying that she met other Muslims who said the headscarf is optional. 😦

It was so disheartening when I heard that, but well, for me it is not an option, but it is an obligation. I understand why I need to wear a headscarf and so I do.

I said to her, the headscarf ensures me that when men see me, he sees me, the me inside, my intelligence, my thought processes, etc, and he does not see me as an object.

I hope I gave them answers that satisfies their curiosities and may God guide me, and guide them to the straight path.


January 2020
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Words of Wisdom

Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. (3:190)

And who is better in speech than one who invites to Allah and does righteousness and says, "Indeed, I am of the Muslims." (41:33)

“For Allah to guide someone to Islam by you is better than red camels.” (Hadith narrated by Muslim)

"The heart is the light, the mind is the way. Eventually, you have to use the light to find the way," - Tariq Ramadan

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Journey of a Muslimah